


Brian the Feminist

by emit98



Category: Family Guy (Cartoon)
Genre: Dark, Dark Humor, F/M, Funny, Humor, Police Brutality, Pop Culture, Pregnancy, Screenplay/Script Format, beastality, parenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-18
Updated: 2018-08-18
Packaged: 2019-06-29 02:00:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15719619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emit98/pseuds/emit98
Summary: After watching an episode of a children's TV show with Stewie, Brian realizes that representation of dogs in the media is poor. In an effort to change this, he starts a blog and through the blog, meets a girl named Kim. After a bad date, he tries to ghost her, but has to abandon this plan when she turns up and announces she's pregnant.





	Brian the Feminist

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to stay true to Family Guy's style of humor, so there is some offensive content. Also, the formatting probably got messed up and there's probably errors within this but just ignore that.

SCENE ONE

(Exterior shot of Griffin residence. Theme music plays.)

(Interior: BRIAN is sitting on the couch, staring at his laptop. He is obviously thinking hard. STEWIE enters, with the intention of watching television. His face falls when he sees BRIAN.)

STEWIE:  
Hey, Brian.

BRIAN:  
Hi, Stewie.

STEWIE:  
Working hard?

BRIAN:  
Yeah. I’m trying to get this idea for a novel, but it’s just not coming to me.

STEWIE:  
(reaching for the remote as he speaks)  
Oh… So you won’t mind if I… Watch a little television?

BRIAN:  
Are you gonna watch some obnoxious baby show?

STEWIE:  
(angry)  
Paw Patrol is more than that!

BRIAN:  
Whatever. Just keep the volume low. 

STEWIE:  
Thanks, Bri!

(He turns on the television. PAW PATROL CUTAWAY starts.)

(A black dog is driving a car. Police sirens can be heard approaching. The black dog sighs and pulls over. CHASE from Paw Patrol approaches the window.)

BLACK DOG:  
Great…  
(He rolls down his window)  
What’s the problem, officer?

CHASE:  
Do you know how fast you were going?

BLACK DOG:  
I was going well within the speed limit. 

CHASE:  
Are you giving me attitude, boy? 

BLACK DOG:  
No! I’m not breaking any laws!

CHASE:  
Step out of the car.

BLACK DOG:  
I didn’t do—

CHASE:  
STEP OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR!

(BLACK DOG comes out of his car, paws up. CHASE pushes him to the ground and holds a gun to his head)

CHASE:  
(into walkie talkie)  
SUSPECT DOWN. HE HAS A WEAPON. I REPEAT, HE HAS A WEAPON.

(CHASE shoots BLACK DOG.)

(End of cutaway. Shot on STEWIE and BRIAN, on couch. STEWIE looks impressed. BRIAN does not look happy.)

STEWIE:  
I love children’s television that doesn’t stray from real issues.

BRIAN:  
I don’t know, it’s not the best representation of dogs.

STEWIE:  
What do you mean?

BRIAN:  
Well, it makes dogs look aggressive. The only thing that would make it more of a stereotype is if the police dog was a pitbull. 

STEWIE:  
(muttering)  
Whatever, go start a blog about it if you care that much.

BRIAN:  
You know what? That’s a great idea!  
(BRIAN starts typing furiously.)

STEWIE:  
Oh, god. This is gonna be worse than when Lois was on her Pinterest kick.

(PINTEREST CUTAWAY)

(CHRIS, MEG, STEWIE, BRIAN, and PETER are sitting at the kitchen table, reading or on their phones or various other leisure activities. LOIS runs in, and dumps a pile of colorful cloth on the table)

LOIS:  
Look, everybody! I made new curtains! It took $300 worth of craft supplies and took two weeks to finish but it’s thrifty because it’s homemade!

PETER:  
Whatever. What’s for breakfast?

LOIS:  
Avocado slices on toast!

PETER:  
(standing up angrily)  
NO! I want Coco Puffs!

LOIS:  
(glaring at PETER)  
I said, we’re having avocado slices on toast.

PETER:  
(whining)  
That’s not fair!

(LOIS grabs PETER by the shirt collar. PETER’S face has a fearful expression)

LOIS:  
I have nothing else to do with my time. So you’re gonna eat the avocado slices on toast and you’re gonna like it.

(PETER whimpers and nods. LOIS lets go of him, and turns to the rest of the family, now also looking scared)

LOIS:  
Anyone else have any objections?

(Silence. LOIS smiles again)

LOIS:  
Good! After breakfast, we’ll take a family portrait in front of a wood fence!

(End of cutaway.)  
   
SCENE THREE

(It’s several days later. BRIAN is in the kitchen now, typing on his laptop.)

BRIAN:  
(reading what he’s writing out loud)  
…And that’s how I use my privilege as a straight white male to better the world. Aaaaand post!  
(He clicks, then leans back in the chair, hands behind his head)

(LOIS enters)

LOIS:  
How’s the blog going, Brian?

BRIAN:  
It’s great, Lois! I have so many followers. People are messaging me all the time and it’s just great.

LOIS:  
And does this make any money, or…?

BRIAN:  
Well, no. But my PayPal link and Amazon wishlist have over a hundred notes!

LOIS:  
And do people actually send you stuff?

BRIAN:  
Not yet. But… It’s not about the money, Lois. It’s about educating people. It’s about doing my part to make the world a better place.

LOIS:  
Because arguing with teenagers on the internet is such a productive way of educating people. 

BRIAN:  
First off, I’m only eight, so check your privilege. Second off, you’re obviously experiencing a little thing called internalized misogyny. 

LOIS:  
Whatever, Brian, as long as you’re not digging up my plants anymore.

(BRIAN’S laptop dings. His tail starts to wag)

LOIS:  
Who’s messaging you?

BRIAN:  
This amazing girl named Kim. She runs a blog about feminist theory?

LOIS:  
Amazing.

BRIAN:  
She actually lives right here in Quahog. Isn’t that something? We’re meeting for dinner tonight.

LOIS:  
Good luck with that.

BRIAN:  
What’s that supposed to mean?

LOIS:  
She’s probably fat. Or a middle-aged man.

BRIAN:  
Wow. Wow, Lois.  
(He slow claps)  
Fat shaming, transphobia, and ageism, all in once sentence. Are you proud of yourself?

LOIS:  
Whatever. Enjoy your trainwreck.  
(LOIS exits)

BRIAN:  
(under his breath)  
Hater.  
   
SCENE FOUR

(BRIAN sits alone at a table in a nice restaurant, looking around. A woman, KIM, approaches him.)

KIM:  
Are you Brian?

BRIAN:  
Depends. Are you Kim?

KIM:  
Yes I am.

BRIAN:  
It’s wonderful to meet you. 

(KIM sits down)

KIM:  
Brian… I think I like you a lot… But before we go any further, there’s something I need to tell you.

BRIAN:  
What’s that?

KIM:  
I’m… Demisexual. I’m only sexually attracted to people after I form an emotional bond.

BRIAN:  
That is so cool. I respect the hell out of that.

KIM:  
That’s such a relief. Some guys get so freaked out by stuff like that.

BRIAN:  
Not me. I’m woke as hell.

KIM:  
(sighing)  
Why can’t there be more guys like you in the world?

BRIAN:  
Because they’re too busy with their violent video games about killing women to open their eyes.

KIM:  
You’re so right.  
(she smiles at BRIAN with arousal in her eyes)  
Wanna come back to my place?

BRIAN:  
I would love that.

(Cut to exterior of a nice suburban house. KIM’S house. KIM and BRIAN kiss passionately as they go inside. KIM turns on a light. An older woman, KIM’S mom, sits in the living room)

KIM’S MOM:  
Hi, Kim.

KIM:  
Hi, Mom.

BRIAN:  
Mom?

KIM:  
Yes, Brian. Not everyone has the privilege of being able to afford to move out of their parents’ house.

BRIAN:  
That’s fair.

KIM:  
Don’t worry, Brian. My mom doesn’t mind me bringing guys home. She respects that I’m a sexually liberated woman.

BRIAN:  
Oh, boy. This is more awkward than the time Peter went to McDonald’s.

(CUTAWAY: Peter is at McDonald’s. He is standing by the counter, looking at his receipt)

EMPLOYEE:  
Order number 491?

PETER:  
That’s me!

EMPLOYEE:  
Here you go. Enjoy your meal.

PETER:  
You, too!

(PETER turns around, a smile on his face. He grabs the spoon to his McFlurry and shoves it down his throat, making himself choke. He collapses.)

(End of cutaway)

(Brian and Kim leave the living room. KIM’S MOM stays in her chair, reading. Soon, loud feminine moans are heard from upstairs)

KIM:  
(moaning)  
I consent! Oh, I consent!

(KIM’S MOM sighs and puts in headphones. Despactio starts playing, drowning out the sex noises)  
   
SCENE FIVE

(Griffin House living room. BRIAN walks inside, looking tired. PETER looks over at him)

PETER:  
Hey, hey! How’d your date go?

BRIAN:  
It was alright. 

PETER:  
Did you seal the deal?

BRIAN:  
Yeah. While her mom listened from downstairs. Kim's in her 30s and still living at home. 

PETER:  
So no second date?

BRIAN:  
I don’t think so. She asked and I said I’d check my schedule. But, uh… Yeah, I don’t think so.

PETER:  
You gotta let her down easy, Brian. Like the time I let Joe down easy.

(CUTAWAY: Outside the Griffin house. PETER is standing outside. JOE approaches him.)

JOE:  
Hey, Peter! I was thinking! You and I should go bowling together this weekend!

PETER:  
Can’t, I’m allergic to bowling balls. 

(PETER turns and walks offscreen)

(End of cutaway)

BRIAN:  
I don’t know, Peter. I might just ignore her.

PETER:  
That’s one way to do it.

BRIAN:  
I think that’s what I’ll do.  
   
SCENE SIX

(Griffin house living room. CHRIS is on the couch. There is a knock on the door.)

CHRIS:  
I GOT IT.

(CHRIS opens the door. KIM is standing there.)

KIM:  
Is this where Brian Griffin lives?

CHRIS:  
BRIAN! There’s a lady here for you!  
(BRIAN comes running, barking as he runs. He stops when he sees KIM)

BRIAN:  
Oh… Hi…

KIM:  
Brian, I’ve been trying to contact you for weeks! What’s going on?

BRIAN:  
Well… I decided to delete my blog… Then I dropped my phone in the toilet… You know how it is. (he laughs) How did you find where I live?

KIM:  
Through your IP address.

CHRIS:  
I pee in the toilet! And sometimes on trees! And once on a stray cat!

BRIAN:  
Thanks, Chris. Do you mind giving us some privacy?

CHRIS:  
Okay!  
(CHRIS exits)

BRIAN:  
Well, I need you to leave.

KIM:  
I’m afraid it’s not that easy, Brian.

BRIAN:  
What are you talking about?

KIM:  
I’m pregnant.

BRIAN:  
What? How?

KIM:  
When we had sex, you didn’t wear a condom.

BRIAN:  
I thought you were on the pill!

KIM:  
Nice of you to make assumptions about me.

BRIAN:  
How is that even possible? I’m a dog, you’re a human… Just… What? Are you sure it’s mine? Y-you’re a sexually liberated woman, right?

KIM:  
Yes, but I haven’t had sex in a while. You were my first in months, and I haven’t been with anyone since.

BRIAN:  
Jesus Christ… You’re pro-choice, why not just get an abortion?

KIM:  
Because… I wanna be a mom.

BRIAN:  
This is ridiculous.

KIM:  
Are you shaming my choices, Brian?

BRIAN:  
Yes! Because they affect me!

KIM:  
You’re being sexist. And a little slut shamey.

BRIAN:  
No I’m not! I don’t wanna be a father!

KIM:  
There’s more bad news.

BRIAN:  
What?

KIM:  
My mom kicked me out when I told her… I have to move in with you.

BRIAN:  
What?

KIM:  
Help me bring in my bags. I can’t do any heavy lifting while pregnant. 

BRIAN:  
Look. I need to talk this through with Peter and Lois first. You can spend the night, but if they say you have to leave, you have to leave.

(LOIS and PETER walk in)

LOIS:  
What’s all the commotion?

BRIAN:  
Lois… Peter… This is Kim.

LOIS:  
The blog girl?

BRIAN:  
Yes. And… She’s pregnant.

PETER:  
Ha!

LOIS:  
What? 

BRIAN:  
She’s… Gonna be staying here for a little while, if that’s okay.

LOIS:  
Does she have anywhere else to go?

KIM:  
I don’t.

LOIS:  
I guess I can’t let a pregnant girl be homeless…

PETER:  
That would be crueler than taking a cow to a barbeque!

(CUTAWAY: Cow at BBQ)

(PETER and COW stand in a backyard, both holding plates of food. COW is eating a burger, obviously enjoying it)

COW:  
Mmm! This is amazing! And what did you say it was again?

PETER:  
That’s an all-beef burger.

(COW looks horrified. As COW stares at the burger, a transparent image of a different cow flashes across the screen)

COW:  
Billy… 

(COW starts mooing stressfully, dropping its plate and kicking at everything, causing lots of destruction and chaos)

(End of cutaway)

(BRIAN comes inside, carrying a bowling bag partially opened to reveal a bowling ball. PETER gasps.)

PETER:  
You can’t have that in here! I’m allergic!  
(PETER turns red and swells up)  
Aw, dammit!  
(He rushes out of the room, moving comically)  
Lois, where’s my epi-pen!  
   
SCENE SEVEN

(STEWIE is in his room. BRIAN walks in.)

BRIAN:  
Mind if I hang out in here? Kim has morning sickness and I need a break from it.

STEWIE:  
You need a break from it? Do you realize what a douche thing that is to say?

BRIAN:  
Lay off, alright? She’s been puking like this every morning for the past month! And, between you and me, I don’t think the baby’s mine. 

STEWIE:  
Why’s that?

BRIAN:  
Well, I’m a dog. 

STEWIE:  
So?

BRIAN:  
So, how would it be possible?

STEWIE:  
You already have a son, Brian.

BRIAN:  
What?

STEWIE:  
Remember? Dylan?

BRIAN:  
Who?

STEWIE:  
Your son, Dylan? The one who you reformed from a juvenile delinquent to a stand-up citizen? And he’s on that Disney Channel show?  
(BRIAN is silent. STEWIE pulls out a cellphone, scrolls a bit, then holds it up to BRIAN)

BRIAN:  
Oh, him!

STEWIE:  
Yeah, him.

BRIAN:  
Why do you have a picture of him shirtless?

STEWIE:  
I follow him on Instagram. Mind your own business.

BRIAN:  
This is ridiculous. I don’t wanna be a father again!

STEWIE:  
(under his breath)  
Didn’t wanna be one before, either.

BRIAN:  
What?

STEWIE:  
What?

KIM:  
(off-screen)  
Brian! Can you make me some ginger tea?  
(BRIAN sighs)

BRIAN:  
(Loudly)  
Fine.  
(In normal speaking voice)  
I think I’m gonna ask her to move out.

STEWIE:  
While she’s pregnant?

BRIAN:  
I’m sure she’ll manage.

KIM:  
(off-screen)  
Brian! It’s you and your male privilege that made me like this, you know!

BRIAN:  
I’m getting you your damn tea!

CHRIS:  
(sobbing and running past the bathroom)  
I DON’T LIKE ALL THIS FIGHTHING!  
   
SCENE EIGHT

(MEG is sitting on the couch, reading a magazine. A heavily pregnant KIM walks in and sits next to her)

KIM:  
What’cha reading?

MEG:  
People Magazine.

KIM:  
Ugh. Those things are such trash.

MEG:  
I like them.

KIM:  
Do you like unrealistic body standards for women? Do you like watching people with more money than they know what to do with spending it on overpriced designer clothes and fancy vacations? Do you like reading fluff pieces about Ariana Grande’s dog while real things going on in the world get ignored?

MEG:  
Well… Yeah. It’s a good distraction. 

KIM:  
That, right there, is privilege talking! Maybe if you spent more trying to better yourself instead of distracting yourself with magazines which, by the way, kills trees, the world would be a better place.  
(BRIAN walks in) 

BRIAN:  
Hey, Kim?

KIM:  
Yeah, Brian?

BRIAN:  
We need to talk.

KIM:  
Yeah, we do. Meg’s an insensitive bitch!

MEG:  
Hey!

BRIAN:  
Not about that.

KIM:  
Oh. Then about what?

BRIAN:  
This… Isn’t working.

KIM:  
You’re… You’re breaking up with me?

BRIAN:  
Yes… I need you to move out.  
(KIM stands up)

KIM:  
Really, Brian? After all we’ve been through? After all the reblogs and notes?

BRIAN:  
Yes. After all that.

KIM:  
But I’m pregnant!

BRIAN:  
And I fully intend to pay child support. Now, let’s get packing, shall we?  
(KIM suddenly screams in pain, holding her stomach)

BRIAN:  
What’s wrong?

KIM:  
I-I’m going into labor!

BRIAN:  
We better get you to the hospital!  
(BRIAN helps KIM out to his car. He speeds away from the house.)

(Cut to hospital interior. KIM is in the hospital bed, giving birth. DR. HARTMAN pulls the baby out)

DR. HARTMAN:  
It’s a boy!

(DR HARTMAN holds up the baby. Its head is identical in shape to Quagmire’s. He hands the baby to KIM.)

BABY:  
Goo-gity.

BRIAN:  
Are you sure he’s mine?

KIM:  
Are you accusing me of lying, Brian? Because that’s sexism.

BRIAN:  
You know what? No! I’m not letting you pull that crap anymore. Baby or not. This child clearly isn’t mine. I’m done. Good luck. 

(BRIAN storms out of the hospital room.) 

DR HARTMAN:  
Lucky for you, I have some information on early childcare.

(DR HARTMAN hands her a handful of pamphlets. Pan on the pamphlets, from left to right: “ABORTION: HOW LATE IS TOO LATE?”, “GIVING YOUR BABY TO STRANGERS”, “DEADBEAT PARENTING 101: HOW TO AVOID CPS”, and “THE BEST WEBSITES FOR FINDING A SUGAR DADDY”.)

SCENE EIGHT

(The Griffins are all sitting in the living room together)

PETER:  
Hey, Brian, how did the thing with Kim end up?

BRIAN:  
Oh, I’m done with her.

LOIS:  
But how is she handling the whole baby thing?

BRIAN:  
She moved back in with her mom. I don’t know, it’s not my kid so it’s not my problem. The paternity test confirmed it.

(STEWIE slow claps)  
STEWIE:  
Dad of the year right here. Dad of the year. 

(END OF EPISODE.)


End file.
